Pecans November 23, 2009

Pecans as suggested by Dave.  Thanks Dave.

My Dad really likes Pecan Pie.  I don’t know how to say Pecan Pie.  Rather I don’t know how to say the word pecan.  Do you say it with the super southern drawl as PEEE-CAAN (where exactly is the accent on that word, merriam webster?)  Or should you say it with the Yankee inflection….pe-CON.  What the hell is this blog entry about?  Who cares.

Here’s a secret – whenever I am unsure on how to say a word, I purposefully butcher it so as to always look like I’m making fun of the idiots who don’t know how to say that word.  Here’s a real-life example… the name Eames as in Ray and Charles Eames.  I often mispronounce it as Aims, because my mom would say Aims instead of Eeems which is how it is pronounced.  Ok, that wasn’t a real-life example of me completely butchering a word at all.  That was an example of how I mispronounce words.

Uhhh….so here’s a real-real-life example.  Whenever I was working at that super-pretentious music reviewers website I would purposefully mispronounce words like the French singer who was super creepy and was accused of sleeping with his daughter.  His name is Serge Gainsbourg.  Duhhh, you stupid!

But I would pronounce it Say-r-gay  because I figured that wasn’t right but it sounded like I was making fun of how other people might say it if they were a total dummy.

At least I know how to tell the difference between the words route and root.  My seventh grade math teacher did not know the difference between these two words.  And I remember once he went on a tyrannical rampage on how the English language doesn’t make any sense.   By the way, he was completely one-hundred percent grade A prime cut American.  But not beef because this guy was totally skeezy and would hit on the one popular seventh grade girl.  Yeah I said the one.  I grew up in a small school.  Why is everyone so judgmental on this website? (ok get ready for the worst segue you’ve ever read).  This place is like the real life civil war.  Its like north vs. south.  Its like PEE-CAANNN vs. pe-CON.

He-Man November 9, 2009

He-Man as suggested by Aaron Fram.  Thanks Aaron!  (also thanks for being such a great improv supporter)  He-Man….He-Man…I was more of a Princess of Power myself.  But I believe that the times of He-Man were approximately the same times I started to understand sexism.  Why in the hell was it alright for He-Man to be topless all the time?  This was obviously before I understood what boobs were really made for.  That’s right I think I just ended that sentence with a preposition.  I will re-phrase the sentence so as not to offend.  This was obviously before I understood the proper intention of boobs.

I think it was interesting that the Lil Rascals also used the terms He-Man to be Woman Haters in their notorious He-Man Woman Haters Club.  Yeah that movie was also a big ole bunch of bull shit.  Disagree, I don’t care.  Its not important because there are people dying in places.

I used to watch He-Man at my baby-sitter’s house.  I was babysat by a woman who had a son in my kindergarten class.  We would mainly watch a lot of tv.  Oohh and play He-Man and Sheera now that I think about it.  Anyway, when we weren’t doing that he would pin me down and spit on my face.  In general one of those bright and shining moments of sexual discovery at a young age.  And yet, I still don’t know the proper intention of boobs.  And I just started two sentences with the word and.

turnips November 9, 2009

Theresa suggested turnips.   Thanks Theresa!  Remember in Super Mario Bros. Dos there was an option to pull up turnips and get coins?  I do.  Super Mario Dos was my favorite probably because I could never play it.  Nathan had the Nintendo (intendo, what?) because it was what he worked so hard for and I didn’t work so I didn’t have an Nintendo.  That’s fine.  When I went to college Nathan bought me a gamecube and senior year was filled with playing the Zelda disc that had all of the Zelda’s except that one really good Zelda that Doug liked.  Yeah I get it, that Zelda was way better than Ocarina and that other one I played.

Ang, Tyler and I would sit around and play Zelda while Rachel was at work.  Often when Rachel got home we would still play.  Basically, Tyler would just tell me what I needed to do and both Tyler and I would make fun of Angela because she would write down cheats that she hid in between the couch cushions.  She thought we didn’t know about the cheats.  She was wrong.

I used cheats too, but I was out about my cheat usage.  I have played a lot of Zelda games, but I have not beat one.  I may have come close, but I didn’t want the game to end.  I’ve never beat a video game.  But I am close.  Recently I downloaded an app for my douche-phone and it is this rat game.  There are fifteen levels and I am on level 13.  That’s right only two more levels.  Will I beat it?  At this rate yes.  Then I can finally say that I’ve beat a video game.  Which is not necessarily a job qualification or anything.  Does anyone ever beat video games?  Do most people just let them collect dust when the bosses become too hard?  Uh….. I mean if people did that.  That’s not the reason I stopped playing.  What is that a turnip?

soup October 26, 2009

Dustin suggested soup.  Yes the same Dustin from the previous post.  It is all coming full circle.  Thanks Dustin!  There’s a song about soup in The Mighty Boosh.  It will be in my head for the rest of this post and probably for the rest of the evening.

I like soup but only in the fall / winter time.  I can’t eat soup when it is hot, unless it is a gazpacho (I am a summer soup-oh).  Doug can eat soup in the summer time though.  It is crazy.  I refuse.  If it is summer time and someone said, “oohhh you should try this delicious soup I made out of happiness and the fountain of youth”.  I would simply respond, “No way Jose”.  Which might be awkward if this individual is not named Jose.  Well not really.  I think that No Way Jose has finally made its way into the mainstream.  You know like cool beans and hot mamma!

Anyway, if that individual’s name was Jose or if his or her name was Gertrude they would take that soup back to the kitchen promptly because they would know I mean business.  Because when someone says “No way Jose”  its pretty much equivalent to saying “fuck you and your soup”.  Its an interchangeable phrase like the words “What the heck?” and “Die pig scum”.  No, I’m sorry not “Die pig scum”, but “Please pass the butter”.  Which you should go back to the kitchen and retrieve after you return this soup.

Bodor! October 26, 2009

Thanks for the suggestion Miss Liddszzzz.  Bodor is an acronym for the director of our after-school program.  I learned that he was to be called Bodor after sitting through a delightful two hour presentation on acronyms and how exciting they should be.  I am personally not excited about acronyms.  But I am excited by drawing pictures of people with mustaches screaming out “BODOR!” during two hour presentations.

I have another of these presentations for work related business coming up, which will obviously provide mucho fodder for cartoons and scribbles.  In college Dustin and I would have contests in lecture on who could draw the best boom box.  He always won because he included a dinosaur.  I say always like this contest happened repeatedly.  It didn’t.  It happened once.  I like to act like I’m a lot cooler than I am, like I had more than one boom box drawing contest.  I don’t know why I have to lie about stuff like that.  Its not helping my love life or anything.  Wait..what?

Ok well now I’m just rambling, its like a I’m doing a two hour presentation on Bodor.  “BODOR!!!”

granny panties and the only reason they’re worn… October 26, 2009

Thanks Randy.  Well I guess I should just tell you why granny panties are worn.  Here it is dudes – ladies only wear granny panties because they are trying to repel vampires.  No…. that’s not true.  Granny panties are worn because a lady wants to feel comfortable and is probably on her period.  Because, if a lady is wearing granny panties, then it is for sure that she does not want to get laid.  I’m sorry, it is really because she does not want to please her man.  Because everyone knows that ladies wear panties that are sexxxyyy every other day of the month so that she can do sex and be a good woman.  Stupid grannies just trying to be comfortable and not thinking about doing sex and pleasing men.

So that’s the only reason.  If your woman is wearing granny panties count on a headache happening the next time you want to infiltrate her sacred fort.  Because if a lady is not wearing granny panties and doesn’t do sex then she probably has a headache!  Duh!  Everyone knows!  Watch it on King of Queens or Two and a Half Men.  That’s reality baby.  Those shows are funny, because they are true.  I think we ALL can relate to that!   Blahhchioklck ddddeeeeaaaatttthhhh……

Mum September 24, 2009

The suggestion is mum.  From Karin.  Thanks Karin!  So mum… from the Latin mum’s the word, meaning that you just received a delightful piece of gossip that you aren’t to share.  Well let me tell you keeping secrets is really hard.  Duh. You should definitely get married if you can because then if you feel like you have a really good secret, you can just tell your s.o..

Sometimes, though, people just tell you their life’s secrets.  Perhaps you have one of those faces, or you are trapped in a car with someone who has known you for less than five minutes and that person has no problem sharing their life story with a complete stranger.  I feel like everyone has encountered this person.  If you haven’t then you might want to think back on it because you are that person.  There are just things I don’t think I should know about you if I don’t even know your name.  I don’t want to know about your police record.  I especially don’t want to know your police record if we are alone in a room together and part of your police record is your aggravated assault history.  I also don’t want to know about how your sister’s boyfriend committed suicide.

Another piece of info I don’t want to talk about…. how “that kid” died riding an atv nor do I care to hear the scorn on your voice over the fact that I don’t know that piece of information because “it was all over the news”.  Don’t judge me.  Can’t we just talk about the weather?  Oh I also don’t want to know how you carry a concealed weapon everywhere you go.  And if I look antsy, it might be because you said, “Well I carry a concealed weapon on me at all times….of course”.  Of course!  Like I’m the idiot who doesn’t have a clue about life because I do not currently have a firearm duct-taped to my ankle sock.   Anyway, didn’t you hear about that kid and the concealed weapon?  No?  Well, maybe you should just keep some stuff to yourself buddy…mum’s the word.

47 September 17, 2009

47!  Thanks for the suggestion Emily!  47 is a random number.  It is not significant in anyway, except if you attach a 19 to the front of it.  Then its a date that all kinds of stuff and junk happened, a whole years worth of stuff and junk.  Mostly it makes me think of science-fiction, probably because 42 is just a few numbers below 47 and 42 is significant to all those Douglas Adams folks as the answer to life, the universe, and everything.  Doug had me read The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy a few years ago (cheese it must have been like a bunch of years ago, it was way before the movie came out).  I’m a person that likes to read the book before the movie comes out and I think Doug must have known the movie was being made so he requested I read it.

I also read / was reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy when the first movie came out.  I was crazy about the Lord of the Rings.  Crazy.  I saw The Lord of the…. alright I’m just going to call it by its shortened name…LotR, about five times in the the movie theater.  This is not an exaggeration.  I swear.  And that movie wasn’t short.  So just think of all of the time I’ve spent in a movie theater just watching LotR.  A lot, that’s how much.

Why do you care so much about how much time I spent in a movie theater anyway?  Are you one of those people who counts how many hours humans spend doing certain tasks to come up with statistics that make you realize how much of your life is wasted?  Do you know how many years the average person spends shitting in the bathroom?  Well I don’t, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was something like 47.

Banjo September 15, 2009

Banjo!  Thanks for the suggestion Kat!  Doug actually owns a banjo.  One year for our anniversary or Christmas or something like that I purchased a gift certificate for private lessons at The Old Town School of Music.  He took the lessons too.  He has a penchant for strange musical instruments.  Like the mandolin and the guitar.  Ok, well they aren’t really strange, I don’t think they are strange anyway.  His family and my family probably think they are strange because of what kind of associations a banjo has. You know, rough and tumble type of kids who never know when to say no.

So Doug owns a guitar (gasp!), a banjo (egads!), and a mandolin (meh).  He plays them on occasion when he is trying to plan his next step while programming.  I personally like all of the instruments.  The mandolin makes me think of Led Zeppelin (name drop… that’s right I listen to cool music).  The banjo makes me think of Sujan Stevens, who is one of my favorite all time artists, even for all of his Jesus music.   But the guitar, well, that makes me think of the devil.

Cottage Cheese September 14, 2009

Cottage cheese… cottage cheese.  Thanks for the suggestion Jackie!  I really love cottage cheese.  It tastes delicious and I love to sprinkle a little pepper on it.  However, I think it’s really weird that a person would eat cottage cheese and pineapple.   Doug likes to eat cottage cheese and pineapple.

When I was a kid, I would go to my grandma’s house and she would serve up cottage cheese.  It is a food I always associate with her house.  A lot of people probably think about cookies when they think about their grandmas, but I definitely think about cottage cheese.  Cottage cheese and cheeze-its.  My grandma used to have a jar filled with cheeze-its, maybe she still does.  I haven’t visited with her in a while.

Once I visited her and she had cookies.  They were the of the oatmeal variety that came in a purple package.  I was really young and I remember distracting her so I could steal another cookie.  But I was totally busted and I got in trouble.  Well as in trouble as I remember getting when I was that age, which wasn’t really but a stern talking to.  At Christmas time though, my grandma would make chocolate chip cookies, and they always had nuts in them, which I like.    But in the summer, we always ate cottage cheese.